When I began this journey at the beginning of the year I didn’t know what it would bring. I just knew that I wanted to explore what freedom looked like for us in the future. I felt we were stuck and that the coming years looked all very same same. They still look all very same same.
The only think I knew was that I wanted to educate myself, read books, question my ideals and challenge what I thought my normal life would look like. Haha What a fantasy normal life is. It does not exist.
What I didn’t realise is how deeply it would make me delve into pockets of the past that I hadn’t really thought mattered in my life. I have found myself questioning past decisions, not in a regretful way but wondering what I was thinking at the time. On reflection many times I was just surviving and that is where the decision came from. But that is a discussion for another day.
I have found myself questioning relationships and friendships, whether I have played my role to the best of my ability. Looking at friendships that are no longer and thinking about the why.
The fact is you go through so many phases in life and at various times your friendship groups evolve. We have friends that have been supportive throughout the years and then there are friends were realised after a while were not really friends to begin with. They bought a type of toxicity to our lives that we didn’t feel we needed and therefore we moved on or it petered out. Who knows maybe we did the same for them.
What I have realised lately is that the people you surround yourself with on the daily matter deeply. The positive support of friends and family is needed and affects your mental health on many levels. I read an article the other day that said many mental health issues all come down to who a person surrounds themself with.
I see this in my children. My son has very strong friendships with a circle of boys that support each other and build each other up. Yes they talk absolute shit about how high there moto jumps were as teenage boys do but the nitty gritty is at the end of racing they raise the others up. A fist pump here, a congrats on a win and an apology when they make a mistake that affects someone else race too. My son can’t play rugby due to a heart defect but you will often find him on a Saturday morning at the rugby field supporting these same boys. They are confident in their communication ability, and even when they are twats to each other it seems to be put down to a bad day.
My daughter on the other hand has a group of girls that can be toxic. Possibly just teenage girls in general but I don’t remember being as mean as they all seem to be. They seem to be friends one day and not the next and they fall out over the most minor of things. I see her question her place in her friend group daily. My suggestion to her to question whether they are actually friends in the first place didn’t go down well and I am sure she plays her role in the dynamics of the group. But it certainly affects how she feels about herself.
We have what I feel are a fairly solid and supportive group of friends at the moment, interestingly made up of many of my sons friends parents. We spend a lot of time with these people and generally feel as though they lift us up. Hopefully this continues for many years to come.
I have looked back many times this year over my relationship with my parents and siblings. The way I feel about them seems to stem mostly from events that happened in my late teens and 20’s. Once I became a parent it seemed less important to dwell on small things and I just wanted my children to have as many supportive people in their lives as they could.
My relationship with my mother has always been tumultuous. There were times where we got a long well but mostly we didn’t like each other very much. This stemmed from my teenage years where I was often yelled at, didn’t feel heard and I felt constantly belittled and un important. Disagreements often were nasty and the core issues never faced. I have recently come to realise that my teenage years coincided with my Mum losing her Mum and her and my Dad divorcing. Neither of these things could have been easy for her and perhaps her reactions were just a sign of her mental health at the time.
Not an excuse but when I deal with my own teens I can see how easy it would be for the frustrations of life to boil over. This realisation of late has had a huge impact on how I deal with my teens and my relationship with them has improved. The realisation that we are their sounding board and safe place and that my stress in life should not impact our relationship or my reactions.
My relationship with my father was an interesting one. He was an alcoholic and rather dysfunctional in life. He was very kind and worked hard but when all was said and done he had nothing. I moved in with him when I was 17 and I remember going to a party one night and missing the last train home. No biggy, I just crashed at a friends place and caught the midday train home the following day. I wandered up the drive at about 2pm and he said, “oh I thought you were in bed asleep”. Even as a 17 year old this shocked me, he hadn’t even checked to see if I had arrived home. I can’t settle at night until I know my children are safe either in their own bed or at a friends. Even though he was like this I still idolised him. I thought he was the most amazing man on earth. It wasn’t until my late teens that I realised he wasn’t everything I had him dreamed up to be in my mind. Looking back I am glad that through my childhood I was oblivious to his shortcomings.
I look at my daughters relationship with my husband. They are very close and she loves him to bits. He is her rock her sounding board and over the years I have found myself occasionally jealous of the relationship they have. Personality wise they are very similar though and so this makes sense,He has his rare moments but generally speaking he is the man that she has probably built him up to be in her mind.
My reflections have led me to realise that it is so important to be supportive and encouraging of those around us. To give everything we can to a relationship. I often feel as though I don’t give enough of my time, whether it is to listen or to do something kind. So that is my relationship journey moving forward. Not everyone will reciprocate but I can’t control another persons role in our friendship or relationship the only one I can own is mine.
