“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

― Søren Kierkegaard

I have no idea who the person who said this is or was. Feel free to educate me. But wow lately I have realised there is nothing truer than this statement.

I have found myself embracing what I can learn from my past. There have been many years where I felt bitter, disappointed, upset by things that had happened. Wondering why they happened. Annoyed at myself for decisions that I had made.

I would wake up at an hour where people should only be asleep and go over these things in my head. Over and over, the thoughts would overwhelm me until I finally feel asleep again…most probably a few minutes before the alarm went off.

Through this journey I have found myself letting go of the past. I still have a long way to go but I have been looking at it through a different lens. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our own version of what happened, another persons role. But we rarely stop to consider a different version of the past. I look at my childhood and lately have attempted to view it from the perspective of my parents, or my sister.

I had a conversation recently with my younger sister about the day she found out she was pregnant with her first, she was 23 if I remember correctly.

I remember the day clearly. She told me she thought she was pregnant and asked me what I thought she should do. I said buy a test and find out so off we went to the local shopping mall. She took the test in the toilets, found out she was pregnant and we then went at sat in our local coffee shop for an hour figuring out how to tell Mum without her hitting the roof.

I thought that I had done a good job of being excited for her, as we had been trying for a couple of years and had had two miscarriages. I was excited for her and for our family. Long story short, she told Mum and yes she hit the roof. To her credit she came down within a few hours and proved herself to be a wonderful grandmother with patience we certainly didn’t see when we were young.

My sisters perspective on the day is very different. She was terrified of not being pregnant but of my reaction, as I was the one married and trying for children. She thought I would be upset and disappointed, she was correct I obviously had those emotions but it was not with her just the situation. Our lens were different as they should have been.

There is so much to be understood and learned from the past but it certainly isn’t worth dwelling on or regretting. Take the learning that you can and move forward with life.